Desirable Roasted Coffee breaks diplomatic relations with Sprint Ambassador Team

The Sprint Ambassador program got around to me today, which I guess ranks me about like Niger or Mali on their diplomatic list. I mean, they got to Rubel (France?) and Jarvis (NATO?) months ago, and we all know those big portfolios go fast.

And I am sure when they first started handing out portfolios, they did it nicely. Personally. With finesse.

But we low life get spam. Oh, yes. And no love.

Here's the sordid tale we third-worlders tell over stale canapés down at the chancery while we watch the jackals circle the sickly hippo. This afternoon I received this dispatch:

Hi Allan,

The Sprint Ambassador Team recently visited Allanjenkins.typepad.com and wants to invite you to participate in our Ambassador Program.

The Sprint Ambassador Program is all about exploring our latest products and services and allows you to give direct feedback to Sprint. We recently launched the Sprint Power Vision (SM) Network and want to provide you with the full experience, at no charge. Sprint Power Vision Network enables customers to download data at faster speeds and experience new data products.

So what?s the deal?

As a qualified participant, we will send you one Sprint Power Vision phone and provide you with six months of all-access service (at no charge). You?ll have access to the Sprint Music Store(SM) live TV broadcasts, gaming and more. Yes, you will also have unlimited free calling and data service. It?s a pretty good deal and all we ask for in return is your candid feedback (you decide how much and how often).

We look forward to receiving your registration!

The Sprint Ambassador Team

Look past, if you can, the banal prose that should flunk any college freshman. That's not important. What is important:

1. A "team" visited my site, wrote the letter, and signed it, but no names! Yet, they feel perfectly free to call me by first name. Now, I know that is a practice in direct mail marketing, and have long ago given up bitching about it, but it shows right off that this Cluetrain never got out of the station.
2. They visited (fill in the blank) my blog. But they didn't read it. How do I know? Well, they would have seen the Bacon's Information fiasco and trod more carefully, perhaps. They also would have quickly learned I live 4000 miles away from their nearest outpost and can only use their phone as a paperweight.
3. Oh, and it's exactly the same pitch they gave to Jarvis, way back before the waterholes dried up.

Not wanting to be appointed to an ambassadorship for which I am patently unqualified, I shot off this cable:

I am so glad you dropped in on Desirable Roasted Coffee (http://allanjenkins.typepad.com).

And I am happy that it's led to a Sprint Ambassador invitation.

Unfortunately, you didn't actually read the blog did you? Tell the truth!

Because if you had, you'd know two things:

1) I eat PR spammers who try to ingratiate themselves by saying they read my blog for breakfast (Don't believe me? Go here for a taste: http://allanjenkins.typepad.com/my_weblog/2005/11/bacons_informat.html )

2) I live in Copenhagen, Denmark -- any fool who had read the blog would know that. Clearly, I'm not in your customer catchment area.

No, Sprinters, you vacuumed up my address, and probably thousands of others, and spammed me.

Very, very stupid move. Just ask the folks at Bacon's.

Ok, Ok... a little rough around the edges, but since I never had diplomatic relations with them before now, what am I to do?

Sprint Ambassador Team, being nothing if not fleet, replied quickly with a terse note (uh, oh, I think that's bad):

Hi Allan,

This is not spam. We had noticed your interest in innovation and interactive technology and decided to extend an invitation to you.

Thank you,

The Sprint Ambassador Team

This is why diplomatic relations collapse. This is why countries go to war. When bullheaded "we automatons are going to give him a phone whether he can use it or not" meets "uhm, I'm not your target group, so why do you keep me in your sights?"

I issued the following demarche:

Do any of you have a name? I am sure the entire Sprint Ambassador Team did not collectively send either one of these mails. Since you feel free to be on first name basis with me, it's only fair that I am on first name basis with you.

John? Christy? Jorgé? Bob? Charmaine? Hell, just choose one.

Let's assume "Bob" until I am corrected.

Bob... the Cluetrain Manifesto says let your people come out and talk to us possible customers. Don't hide behind some sort of "team".

Ok. Now let's go back to the start:

You did not read my blog, Bob. Admit it. If you had, you'd know I was the wrong person to approach for two reasons:

1) I hate being pitched by anonymous pitchers who think they are hip because they have sold "bloggers" as a target group to their boss.

2) I live -- hello? -- 4000 miles from your nearest outpost. Send me the damned phone, but be aware I can only use it as a paperweight.

And, Bob... it was, and is, spam.

Do you really want me to be Sprint's ambassador? Well.... I could easily be. Not every ambassador is exactly what the foreign ministry had in mind.

I hope -- I most certainly hope -- Rubel and anyone else who grabbed this "deal" a few months ago were wined and wooed by Sprint. Because if they fell for this piece of hucksterism, then they sure aren't the gurus some think they are. Jarvis took them to task pretty fast.

Me? I've sent out the gunboats. I break all diplomatic relations with Sprint.

Technorati: diplomatic immunity, jeff jarvis, sprint ambassador, steve rubel, lame pitches, micropersuasion

Related post: Steve Rubel lashes out at the Blogging for Benjamins crowd... about time, I'd say

Posted by Allan Jenkins on March 2, 2006 at 12:07 AM in Bizarre & Amusing, Communication Skills, Is Tedious in the House?, Public Relations, Scams | Permalink

Comments

They obviously didn't visit the 2nd most 'authorative' blog on Copenhagen (at least according to Technorati)

http://www.technorati.com/blogs/copenhagen

:-)

Posted by: Josh Hallett | Mar 2, 2006 12:43:01 AM

wow... I deleted that email thinking it was spam.

who knew?

Posted by: david parmet | Mar 2, 2006 9:17:04 AM

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