Judge Pendleton Gaines orders lawyers to cut crap, go to lunch

In what I can only admire as a remarkable act of judicial common sense, Arizona Superior Court Judge Pendleton Gaines has ordered Defendant's counsel to accept Plaintiff's counsel's invitation to lunch.

In support of his order (in the case of Physicians Choice of Arizona v. Miller, et al.,) Judge Gaines quotes Jose Ortega y Gasset ("conversation has been called the 'socializing instrument par excellence'") and John Dryden ("Sweet discourse, the banquet of the mind").

His kind words about Defendant's counsel's rhetorical skills will, I am certain, allay Defendant's counsel's fear of a prandial ambush:

"Defendant's counsel distrusts Plaintiff's counsel's motives and fears that Plaintiff's counsel's purpose is to persuade Defendant's counsel of the lack of merit in the defense case. The Court has no doubt of Defendant's counsel's ability to withstand Plaintiff's counsel's blandishments and to respond sally for sally and barb for barb."

But Gaines isn't to be trifled with. When Defendant's counsel agrees to have lunch with Plaintiff's counsel at "Ruth's Chris" restaurant, the Judge immediately sees through the subterfuge and fires off a footnote:

"Everyone knows that Ruth's Chris, while open for dinner, is not open for lunch. This is a matter of which the Court may take judicial notice."

Whipping out a Zagat's Guide from beneath his robe, Gaines orders the parties to choose from his list of "fine restaurants within easy driving distance...." And he goes on to direct how the bill shall be divided (and, thoughtfully, orders a 20% tip included).

He will brook no delay:

"The lunch must be conducted and concluded not later than August 18, 2006. The Court is aware of the penchant of Plaintiff's counsel to take extended cruises during the summer months."

And finishes helpfully:

"The Court suggests that serious discussion occur after counsel have eaten. The temperaments of the Court's children always improved after a meal."

Having given Plaintiff's counsel what it wanted, Judge Gaines now gives something to Defendant's counsel:

"To demonstrate ... that the Court has more on its mind than lunch, the Court [grants] Defendant's motion to strike Plaintiff's proposed amended complaint.

Plaintiff's proposed amended complaint is ... prolix and discursive in the extreme. It violates the observation of French philosopher Blaise Pascal, who concluded a long letter with an apology, saying "he had not the leisure to make it shorter." Since this is a 2003 case with no end in sight, Plaintiff's counsel has the leisure to make his complaint shorter."

Speaking for myself, Judge Pendleton Gaines gets my support for the next open seat on the US Supreme Court.

Hat tip to Andrea Weckerle.

Update: in a 2002 interview, Judge Gaines talks about the great advantages technology brings to the courtroom. We like His Honor even more, now!

Technorati Tags: pendleton gaines, law, humor, arizona superior court

Posted by Allan Jenkins on August 7, 2006 at 01:27 PM in Bizarre & Amusing, Humor, Law | Permalink

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